Pannis, anyone?

I have a friend, probably lots of friends, who would like to develop a hernia so she can have have it surgically fixed and thus enjoy the benefits of a pannis removal AKA one of the best words ever made: panniculectomy.  The problem is that the surgery is not cheap and insurance doesn’t like to cover it.  So we are doing a little research into how to get it covered.

Getting yourself a hernia is not really all that simple.  You have to really work at it. Options:

1. Heavy lifting.  Around here, I recommend shoveling in the winter followed by sand bagging in the spring. Think about it, you can save your town and a get a hernia at the same time.  Double score.  I bet it has been done, but I cant back that up with any stats thanks to Hipaa laws.

2. Coughing.  (Just in case you wanted a biology lesson, thanks to Wikipedia: the cough reflex consists of three phases: an inhalation, a forced exhalation against a closed glottis, and a violent release of air from the lungs following opening of the glottis, usually accompanied by a distinctive sound.)  To get a good cough going, you have a few options.  First, swallow some small feathers.  Or if you don’t have feathers around, a hair ball from a cat will work.  Second, motorcycle at high speeds with your mouth wide open.  Third, suck some water up through a straw, but with your nose instead of your mouth. 

3.  Straining during a bowel movement or urination.  (Really, who strains during urination?  Huh, I know I will thinking about that one for a while.) I guess you avoid anything with fiber.  I mean it, cut out the fruits and veggies, load up on fried foods and stuff that comes in a box.  You have to commit to the junk food diet 100%.  Cant eat the healthy stuff once in a while and risk clearing out.  If you take that chance, you will ruin everything!!

4. Also, being pregnant helps the process, as does being male, but those sorta cancel each other out, you have to pick or or the other.  Your choice.

I hope these hints help you out in your quests.  If you start on the junk diet now, by the time we get some heavy snows, you will be ready for some shoveling and also your cat’s winter fur will have grown in full.  The timing is perfect for you!


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