Today, I tried to Kill Her Off

So, I work at a school.  This is not breaking news.  I am not allowed to carry weapons to protect myself from bad guys.  Again, not breaking news.  I went to the dentist today, and although that IS breaking news, it has nothing to do with my story.

My bestie Jen and I had set out on a recon mission.  I had much needed supplies in the back of my van and the two of us were ready to carry them in.   Who knew it was like her death row walk?  If we would have known that, we would have held hands and shared some M&M’s.  (We are like that.)  I would have promised to take care of her children, plant flowers at her house this spring, and all that last-minutes-of-life type of stuff.

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We stepped outside the back door where my van was parked.  I pushed the unlock button and then the button to make the rear lift gate go up.  While doing so, I carefully mentioned, “Hey, stand back.  The hydraulics of this thing don’t always work right.”  Kids these days just don’t listen.

I guess when the lift went all the way up, she assumed it meant it was working so she started to move it, ducking down a bit to grab stuff out of the back.  Well, much to her surprise, lifting up isn’t the problem my persnickety lift has.  Nope, it goes up no problemo, it just promptly slams right back down.  Right back to where her head was – her head moving toward van slammed by lift coming down = KA POW!!! And before I knew what had happened, she flew about 6 feet in the air and was on her back, hand on head, moaning.  I just stood there, wondering, “Did she just fly?  Is she a superhero and never told me?”  I busted out in laughter, couldn’t help myself.  That is the kind of friend I am. 

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I laughed and laughed.  Seriously laughed until I was coughing my lungs up (because it is cold out there, remember.)  She got up and asked, “Did anyone see that happen?”  So I wrongfully assumed she was just fine, because that question was so legit.   It would have been one of the AFV videos that made you laugh and laugh and also say, “Ohhhhh, that had to hurt!”  And then laugh some more, and that is what I did.  Laugh, laugh, laugh.  Kids asked me what I was laughing at, and I had to tell them I was laughing at something funny I was thinking about, not them.

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We threw a party this afternoon.  I mean, learning your friend is Chuck Norris-like is worthy of a party.  We invited some friends and played an awesome game of keep it up with a balloon.

We party hard, especially after Chuck-Norris lady takes on a minivan and wins. 

Every so often, we took a break to check her eyes with the flashlight.

And then we decided that if a bad guy comes into the building, I will simply ask him to help me carry something in from my van, and then take him out with my rear lift gate. 

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