Things I have learned at the Gym

First and foremost, no woman seems to be happy with her body.  Every so often, I get to listen to a locker room conversation about how some chick is just needing so badly to get back into shape now that her use-to-be size zero body is now a size two.  Now that she is a size two, everything jiggles.  I so want to say, “It is called being a woman!!!!  Girls are size zero.  Well, girls and women who don’t eat enough!!!”  and then I want to comment, “SHUT UP ALREADY!!”  But I know that her little twenty-year-old body has so much more to go through in life so I kindly don’t offer up any words of wisdom because when I look at her and hear her poor self image, I am sad because she is beautiful.  And I also want to tell her size two friend to say something like, “Are you nuts?  You look great!!”  rather than shake her head in agreement and say something all genius like, “Oh, I know, me too!!  You should see my fat arms.  I used to have good arms but now I am all saggy.”  BLAH BLAH BLAH.  “Step aside children, this regular-sized woman, whose body has waged war against so many things and won, has Zumba to get to!!”

So now I must talk about the need to rid the world of Burpees.   I don’t hate them because they seem like a waste of time or because I feel they don’t work.  I don’t despise seeing them on my circuit line-up because I would rather do more planks.  I hate them because no one with boobs should have to do them ever.  (Unless the next station is “getting yourself all properly arranged again” and I have yet to see that as a station.)  I anonymously made the suggestion that there be a cup-size cut off for Burpees, but much to my dismay, they were in this morning’s line up.  Twice today, for 55-seconds each time, my life was in danger.
How to Perform Burpees Exercise


Third, all kinds of people can take water aerobics.  No one needs to make fun or laugh at the brave women (and one or two men) who put on swimsuits and parade past all the windows.   We have more fun in that pool pretending getting a good work out.  It is amazing what kinds of mean things you can do to muscle groups using an innocent swim noodle.  It is also the perfect opportunity to do sweet moves like ride-your-pony, start-a-love-train, and chariot races.  Sometimes, we add some of our own moves cuz we are rebels like that!  We live by the saying, “If it ain’t jiggling, you ain’t doin’ it right.”  One, I am in a swimsuit, it is jigglin’.  Two, I am not a size 0, nor a size A-Wanna-Be.  IT  ALL JIGGLES unless it is strapped in with steel and duct tape. 

Fourth, Zumba is completely awesome.  Go ahead, all you crazy he-man varieties.  Go ahead and laugh.  It is only because you are intimidated by our awesome hip shakin’, hoola-hooping,  body-rolling awesomeness.  Nothing makes me more happy than a good hour-long dance session.  Well, Coke does, but I can’t drink that now that I am a healthy-nut babe-type.  And also, when I go eat at Paradiso, I can sing along to the music now.  True story.  And best news of all, I hear someone at my gym is getting accredited in water Zumba.  Best class + best place = time of my life.  I just picture something like this:


Barre Fitness class promises to make me like a ballerina.  Well, unless they can go against my genetic make-up, I don’t think it is going to pan out. 

Ballerina I want to look like:


Ballerina I have better odds of looking like:

Ballerina to the Handrail


I will update this list…I learn new things all the time at Family Wellness, my home away from home. 


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Larisa
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 21:24:43

    Awesome post as usual…..remind me next time I see you to slap you for saying you look like the second ballerina picture you posted, you don’t look like that!!!! Can’t wait to hear how the water Zumba works out, sounds like it could be interesting. 🙂


    • debpieper
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 07:18:32

      I couldn’t find a picture of a ballerina with lumpy inner thighs and saggy butt with good abs. 🙂 And my time was limited because Bill scooped us ice cream and had 2 episodes of New Girl loaded and ready to HULU!! 🙂 I had to use what I could find quickly.


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