If he was me and me was he–part 2

Part One

I am not even sure I can imagine this part.  Hold on, let me put my geek girl hat on and try really hard to figure out what it would look like if I lived Bill’s life with my skill set and personality. 





Still trying to think about it.





Still trying…




Ok, Bill’s day starts way earlier than mine does.  That is the first issue.  I could not function on the amount of sleep he gets in a night.  He tells me that he can’t either, but somehow, I notice that he pulls it off, so I think he is just trying to make me feel sorry for him during these months when my wake-up call is around 9 AM.  He gets up at 6 AM and takes care of the dog right away.  At 6 AM, I am not feeling like I need to take care of anything or anyone.  I walk right into the shower, no passing go, no collecting $200.  NO TALKING!  I hate 6 AM.

So my crabby, sleep-deprived self would then kneel on the kitchen floor where my computer is plugged in and catch up on overnight work stuff since a bunch of my co-workers live on the other side of the world.  No I wouldn’t.  I would sit in my pink chair where my butt is cushioned.  And I wouldn’t check my work e-mail, I would check Facebook and maybe the local paper. 

Then he goes to work.  Often, he throws his bike in the back of the vehicle, drops off the vehicle for servicing, and rides his bike to work.  This wouldn’t happen if I was him.  I don’t exercise.  That is ridiculous.  I however, would enjoy driving the Danali with auto start to work, and I would laugh at him stuck here with the mini-van.  HAHAHAHA.  Bad part of that is that none of the car maintenance would get done.  I hear that is a bad thing?

Bill works for a software giant.  He works for THE software giant.  He has a position titled something like Software Engineer Dude of the World.  What does he do?  See this is the major problem and the reason I have a hard time even beginning to imagine what it would look like if I took over his life.  He tells me what he does, and like a good wife, I ask him how his day went and try to pay attention when he tells me about projects and stuff, but since it is like me listening to someone speaking Hindi, I don’t understand a single word, unless of course he throws in lunch info.  “I did taco chat with XXX and YYY.”  That I understand. 

So I imagine it would look like this for a day or two.  I would walk around from cubical to cubical talking to all the people I know.  We would discuss the kids, the weekend plans, the weather, the huge jackrabbits that jump around at work (outside) and maybe even talk about how I cant get my computer to work right or how I misplaced something important.  And with deadlines looming, I just might actually sit in my cubical and attempt to read e-mail and check my Facebook again.  I would then notice the need to decorate the cubical and would find myself taking a little extended leave at Hobby Lobby.  Then I imagine I would get a little call from HR and my butt would be fired with no severance package.  Sorry, honey, I just lost your job for you.

But that is ok, more time to do all the stuff Bill does around the house.  He takes out the garbage, except for when he forgets, so I could handle that.  I could even manage to put the big can somewhere towards the middle of the driveway so he would back into it leaving a third dent in the back of the van.  Some people never learn.

Let’s see, I am trying to think of what else Bill does around here.   I can’t – I am seriously distracted by the yellow finch who thinks he can fly into my living room through the window…silly bird.

Back on task!!  Bill runs our home’s technology.  We are screwed.  And since we don’t have a job that pays squat anymore since I got us fired, we also cant afford to replace anything in our home, and that is a major problem since the fixing of everything now lands on my shoulders.  To give the fixing a good American try, I would call Crazy Man to the garage and together, he and I would find all the tools we needed, I would spend a few hours organizing the whole garage, and then Crazy Man and I would fix stuff, like the garbage disposal or the leaky washing machine, maybe even the central vac.  Oh jeez, I cant fix any of that stuff.  This place is falling apart.

Bill pays all our bills.  Again, we are in big trouble and for two reasons.  We no longer have an income to pay those bills and even if we did, I don’t keep track of that kind of thing nor do I mail stuff.  Ask around.  I lose everything.  EVERYTHING – just yesterday I lost my driver’s license for a while – seriously I did.  This family is soon living in a cardboard box at the rate I am going.

As for Bill’s fathering schedule, well, it looks like I am going to have to get good at Boy Scout stuff.  I have to camp when it is –20 and when it is 100.  Yuck.  Without electricity.  Double yuck.    I guess maybe I would cook for the boys, they might like it.  Every scout meeting would now include snacks.  Required. 

Ya know what I would do best?  Hang Christmas lights.  Bill just loves Christmas lights.  He gets so full of joy that it spills over, igniting the whole neighborhood with Christmas cheer.  Not.  Really.  At.  All.  I would do it right.  It would involve hot chocolate, thousands of lights set to computer-activated music and also would require a drumroll.

Seriously, I laugh every time.  Bill doesn’t like this movie as much as I do, but since I am him now, the kids and I will be sitting down to watch it EVERY YEAR!!

I would have to not be afraid of thunderstorms anymore either since one of Bill’s main roles around here is “guy who sleeps through storms bringing peace to all who pile into the master bedroom on stormy nights.”  The storm can’t be all that bad if he is still sleeping.  After all, he is the protector of the Pieper empire.  (This is a good time to mention that he once slept through a fire alarm in college.) Don’t know if I can do that.

Also, I am now going to have to let Bill warm up his feet on my legs when he climbs into bed at night.  Really?  I hate feet on me.  We might just have to get thicker wool socks come winter.

Bill also walks around the house before bed and checks to make sure lights are off and doors are locked.  I don’t like to do that.  I am somewhat afraid of the dark.    From now on, robbers, have at it.  But be warned, I do know how to shoot a gun!!  Yeah, this girl can shoot a gun!!  HA!  And I know where to kick guys – remember, I have 4 brothers

I am going to have to learn how to wakeboard.  I have tried it and swallowed a good third of the lake.  Who wants to send me to wakeboard camp???

I am going to have to get better at cleaning up puke without heaving myself.  Another skill Bill has down pat.

And last but not least, I am really going to have to learn to back things up.  Boats and campers.  Trailers.  That kind of stuff.  Until then, this family is no longer having any fun.  But that is all ok, no one filled the vehicles with gas or winterized the camper or trailer, since I am now in charge of that stuff.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: So many reasons! « Our Piep Show

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