If he was me and me was he – Part 1

If Bill, the brains of this operation we call the Pieper family,  lived my life, I am not even sure what would happen.  Assuming he kept his personality and skill set and just took on my schedule and responsibilities, I can say that this place would be well-wired but trashed, we would live off one meal, and he would get fired from my job after just a couple days.

With any free time, I would predict that Bill would ramp up the technological factor of our home.  Seeing that it is already tech-ed out above my head, it is very difficult for me to predict what he would improve on, but this is my guess.  I would hope that the first thing improved would be that our central vac system that has been broken for 2 years would be fixed when he realized vacuuming sucks doesn’t suck around here.  Second, he would realize that although our Ooma phone may be cheap, but it still costs more than it is worth.  Then, he would move on to the big stuff: I think our little TV’s would have to be replaced with monsters, I am pretty sure there would be some sort of smart home system installed so he could run the place with his laptop and phone, and somehow he would be sure to make TV watching so difficult that I couldn’t do it if he isn’t around to run the technology.    (However, I am sure Curly could figure it out in a pinch, after all, she shows the most potential to be a geek-prodigy.)  The kids would have more than their two-computer computer lab and they would have built in tech support.  Instead of hearing, “Ask Dad when he gets home,”  they would have it all fixed up in 2 seconds flat.

Bill doesn’t believe in the need to clean.  The areas he is responsible for in our home are disasters.  Exhibits A, B, and C:




If the whole house looked like this, he wouldn’t care.  (This comes in handy when I get into a good book and don’t feel like cleaning either.)  Also, all the walls would be white.  It’s more simple that way, easy to touch up the paint, easy to decorate – oh wait – there would be no decorating.

Bill is known in our home for Dad’s Famous Eggs (poached eggs with Lawry’s Seasoning Salt on them) and Dad’s Famous Malts (he is stronger and scoops ice cream into the blender faster, so the kids have grown up assuming I don’t have a clue how to make malts.)  He also makes a really good PB&J toast, so put those together and you have a balanced meal that the kids would love to eat daily.  Can he make scrambled eggs?  Nope.  Can he make grilled cheese?  Nope.  Can he make frozen pizza?  Yep, so the kids can have lunches too.  Bonus.

My job and Bill are like, well, Curly and purple, or stripes and plaid, or Princess and mud.  Things that are great on their own, but just don’t mix well.  He is great with black and white kid issues, but when it comes to dealing in the gray world day after day, he would sink.  Quickly.  Not for lack of trying, just for lack of ability to be ok with gray.  Step in line, people.

Another area Bill would find a challenge would be the remembering of important dates that are special to others but don’t matter to him.  I am talking about birthdays or anniversary-type things.  It isn’t that he doesn’t care, it is just that he doesn’t think about it.  If a need is pointed out, he can get all over it, it just has to be pointed out.

Ok, with all that said.  Bill would be an awesome stay-at-home dad.  The kids would learn so much from him.  He and Crazy Man would build incredible things and make memories on the lake when they headed out to wakeboard day after day in the summer.  Curly and Dad would tech out the place.  He would teach her how to program and they would build robots together.   Princess would help Dad with the cleaning and running of the social calendar so I think they would build themselves quite a dependent relationship.  JP and Bill are two peas in a pod.  They would run and bike and work on projects, maybe even putting in that water feature I have asked for for years.  I can dream.

The lawn would be perfect, the bills all paid on time.   He would run the kids all over to all the appointments and events because he is good at that, and he would take pictures.  All the phone calls concerning all the piddley stuff would be made before it was out of control, like insurance companies and car maintenance guys.  Library books would be returned on time. (That is a big one.)

Oh, one last thing.  He would stay up really late watching movies, knowing he could sleep in every summer morning.  He would rub it in my face, pretty sure that wouldn’t change as our roles changed, not saying that I would ever do that.  But his ne-ner-ne-ner-ne-ner dance wouldn’t be as good as mine is.

Pretty much, Bill could run this place without me, but the heart of the operation (me) would be gone trying to fill his shoes.  More on that tomorrow.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: If he was me and me was he–part 2 « Our Piep Show

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