Swimsuit Season!

Hey!  I finally feel a little summer setting in.  It has taken a good week to shake the school year off and relax into the wonderful time of year when the stress level generally sits at a 1 or 2 (maybe a 7 if I am packing/unpacking the camper) rather than a 10+.  My kids are not in summer sports and other than scout stuff, we can do whatever we want.  Every.  Day.  For. Three. Months. 

This week, we had a 93 degree day!  And we hit the pool of course, what else would we do on our one day of summer?  The kids were so independent and I didn’t have to worry about them at all, so I checked out other chicks in their suits.

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First, to the super young chick hauling someone else’s kids around (AKA Nanny or Aunt of the Year) we are so on to you.  You can’t trick any of us into thinking you birthed those kids and still can walk around in a tiny bikini and sport a deep tan.  You can’t even pretend to be a member of the club.  We don’t look at you with envy; we look at you and know that some day, you also will have stripes and lumps.   Some day, you wont saunter out of the pool, flipping your hair in slow motion.  Instead, you will grab your towel that you strategically placed right at the pool edge and wrap yourself up in it ASAP so no one will see what has become of your flawless body.

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To the mom who just had a baby and is also toting a pre-schooler and a toddler:  I feel for ya.  I have been there – sorta.  There is no good suit option.  Your best bet is to go under cover, hope no one you know sees you, and if the unavoidable happens, don’t let anyone take pictures.  If they do, be sure they are of body parts that don’t matter.  These are the dark days, but take comfort in knowing the light at the end of the tunnel really does exist.  I think.

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To the mom with left over fat rolls, I also have been am you.  A deflated balloon never returns to its original shape.   When the kids are young, you have no choice but to get in the water or risk a child drowning.  Although it may seem like a tough choice, we all know you are going to get wet, so my best advice is to go in the deep water with your kid.  No one will see the shape of you once you are fully submersed.  Like this:

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To the mom with super saggy boobs.  You know who you are.  I have a hard time finding a suit that holds my girls up where they are supposed to be, but be persistent – those magical suits are out there.  Bring a friend who will tell you the truth, ugly as it might be.  When the first 50 suits don’t fit, be resilient.  Here is a hint:  don’t even attempt the ones with spaghetti straps – you MUST get a good thick working strap.  Please, for the sake of all of us who have to see you, don’t allow the boobies to sit on top of your fat rolls – hoist them up!!!  Also, cover them a little.  Nothing, I repeat nothing, is a bigger swimming pool disaster than saggy, propped-on-fat-roll, 3/4-spilling-out-of-the-sides-and-tops boobs! 

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To the teenage girl I saw this week.  Holy Crap!!  Not only did the top barely cover the top, but the bottoms barely covered the front, so you took the typical showing too much skin and trumped it with everybody knows you wax the whole thing!  Really?!?!?  And when you walked by and I continued to gawk and thank the Lord that JP wasn’t there to witness this selling of your goods, I was overcome with joy that you have no butt to fill the buttuski area so I could see your hiney through the leg gap.  Wow.  And in glittery gold for a touch of class.  Nice.

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Happy swimsuit season, everyone. 

2004-08-24_145239  20100620_134835_1994

  20100620_141520_2029     20100620_135108_2005

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nicolle D
    Jun 09, 2011 @ 21:44:23

    hahahahahahahaaha!

    Reply

  2. debpieper
    Jun 09, 2011 @ 22:03:13

    I will point out that not one picture of me in my suit appears on this post.

    Reply

  3. Larisa
    Jun 09, 2011 @ 22:06:22

    I may need to borrow your suit expertise sometime soon….this mom needs a new suit and like you, can’t stand shopping for them.
    Love this post!! 🙂

    Reply

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