Butt in the green slime

I am not too proud to admit that sometimes I do stupid things, sometimes funny things happen to me, and sometimes  I get a combination of my non-thought-out choices causing funny things happening to me.  Especially as a teenager, which I think we all can agree on is the period of stupidest decision making in our lifetime (except for college, maybe for some of you who were good boys and girls until mom and dad couldn’t control you, and waaallaaaa, you had your stupid college days.)

Anyway, one of the writer’s workshop prompts last week that I skipped was “tell about a time you fell.”  I just keep thinking of this story and know I need to share with the world.

I was in the woods with my high school boyfriend – can’t recall if we were on four wheelers or if we were canoeing the river.  For some reason, I think we were canoeing.  I do remember we stopped whatever we were doing to eat lunch or something and because I really needed to pee.  I didn’t pee in front of people back then, unlike now when I pee in front of anybody at any time.  Not really, I still don’t like to pee if people can hear me. I am a private pee-er.  But this has nothing to do with the story, except the explaining of why I chose on that day to walk WAY back into the woods to pee.

Most of the time during those great teenage years, someone would tell me something wise and I would ignore all the advice, but for some reason that day I recalled that someone had told me to sit on a fallen tree next time I needed to pee in the woods, and hang off the back.  I was told it was an easier way to prevent leg dribbles.  (I grew up in the woods, so peeing in the woods was something that happened on a semi-regular basis, and I wasn’t good at the squatting thing – that is why this advice stuck, perhaps.)  So this day, I not only tromped way into the woods, but I also found a downed tree to use.  It was a beautiful setting, with the tree having fallen over a puddle which had grown a nice covering of green slime over it.  I sat there, feeling so much relief – I do remember that – I must have REALLY had to go. 

And then it happened.  The tree I chose snapped in half and my little bare butt fell into the green slime puddle.   It wasn’t really all that shallow as I had pictured it to be – but maybe a half a foot deep and I was somewhat stuck in it.  Had to have help to get out.  Ran to the river and rinsed myself off.  Don’t remember those details all too well.  Really I don’t. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  One minute, sitting, next minute falling, next memory I was in the river. 

But that is my best falling story.  And, you need to learn from me:  find a solid tree to pee on, or better yet, don’t do way off into the woods – stick by plumbing.


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