My childhood?

  • Lonely in the middle of a group of people
  • Sad
  • Confused
  • Involved, but not how I needed
  • Searching
  • Depressive, oppressive
  • Avoidance

I grew up in a home full of sadness.  I don’t remember a lot of laughing, I don’t remember a lot of celebrating, and I don’t remember a lot of joy.  What I do remember is a lot of pretending; pretending to have dealt with the death and absence of our mother, pretending we were whole, pretending we were healthy.  I am not sure we could all sit down still today and talk about how the death of our mom sent our broken hearts in different trajectories.  How her absence growing up, through different phases of life, left us uncertain, searching, confused. 

How would a strong Christian family be able to explain lingering sadness (very unspiritual, Christians find their joy from God, go get yourself some joy), inability to cope (again, God is our strength, get over it, and get yourself some strength) or even anger (after all, God knows what he is doing, right?)  I knew that the left over feelings were signs of weakness and we were not weak

Guess what, some days, I am really sad that my mom died.  Some days, I am unable to cope with that reality.  Some days, I am really pissed about it.  Even at God.  That is my reality.  I think the God I know now totally understands all of those emotions.  And I still some day am planning to ask Him, “Just what were you thinking?” 

(This blog entry was in response to Mama’s Writers Workshop.)

Mama's Losin' It

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. danny easterday
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 15:57:57

    I just want to give you a big huge hug right now. I am so sorry you had to go through so much. I am sorry for your pain.

    Reply

  2. Mama Kat
    Nov 15, 2010 @ 15:31:05

    So sad. Mothers really are staples in the family, I can’t imagine my life without mine. I lost my Dad so I can somewhat relate to what it feels like to grow up with that sadness.

    Reply

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