Time for a chat about your ta-tas

I was four years old when I lost my mom to breast cancer.  Stupid frickin’ breast cancer, I am your #1 enemy.  You will not steal anyone else in my family or circle of friends due to lack of proactive medical and personal care.  I am going to attempt a breast cancer blog here without getting too serious, or too rude.  If you read on, you are reading at your own risk.

I did a little research on breast cancer risk factors and found this handy list.  The italicized words are mine. 

Risk factors for breast cancer are the following:

  • personal history of breast disorders – what exactly are breast disorders?  Saggy?  Bulgy? Leaky?  Too small?  Too big? Nipple piercings?  Boobular tats?
  • family history of breast cancer – well, I took one for the team on this one, I guess.  But just because you may not have the family history does not mean you are safe – my mom was the first, and hopefully only.  It helps that my family mostly procreates males (although I am fully aware they can get man-boob cancer.)
  • excessive intake of fat   To solve this problem, I wonder if Liposuction is helpful?  You can eat whatever you want and then get it sucked out…hmmmm…it only mentions intake, so I wonder if you have to store it for it to count.
  • obesity – I am working hard at this one.  I don’t want to be fat, I don’t know anyone who does but that dang Little Debbie keeps baking up those delish snack cakes!!!
  • excessive consumption of alcohol – well,  I have this one licked.  I am not a drinker.  Some of you (who’s name may or may not be also the name of a spring bird) may need to think about this!!  Just sayin’ 
  • smoking or constant exposure to second hand smoke SMOKING IS DISGUSTING!!  WHY??????  And then why when I am sitting in my van do I have to be subjected to the dude sitting 3 cars away, puffing away on his little cancer stick, and letting the smoke roll for the rest of us to enjoy.  GROSS, I say, and I repeat.  YUCK!!!!!  You cant cover it up either, so stop trying – it is like those pine scented things in a bathroom that just was used for the deed – who are you trying to kid?  Ok, I will stop now.
  • sedentary lifestyle and no exercise – in my humble opinion, the invention of the DVR was a large contributor to this.  Now there can be something good on 24/7.  I am fighting my body’s natural tendencies to just sit around and actually exercising.  Which I don’t enjoy even after 2 months – all of you who said it would become something I need to do to feel my day is complete lied.  I can sit around doing nothing just fine.
  • stress and emotional disturbances – I just might be in trouble on this one.  Who can eliminate stress and emotional disturbances?  I know of one place that is promised to happen, and to get there I have to die.    And then I no longer care about breast cancer risk factors.
  • What does personal care look like around here?  Get to know your boobs.  Know what is normal.  Do your self exams – if you cant remember, ask your hubby to do them – he most likely will be very helpful in reminding you – just remind him it is once a month, not once a day, hour, whatever time frame he thinks of.  I wonder about future generations of us – if we only read digital clocks, how will we know how to work our way around in a clock-like manner?  Oh, what will we do? 

    So yes, I had my first mammogram at 22.  It is amazing how big they look when they are flat as a pancake – and for Janell who wants to make a crack at my boobs, you are just a genetic fluke.  Anyways, a couple years ago, I got my first digital mammogram – totally cool – like it went from one-week printing to polaroid.  Awesome.  I got into a contest with a friend concerning pressure.  I guess a mammogram machine maxes out at level 40.  What does the 40 mean?  Pounds per square inch?  Number of boobs popped at that level?  I am not sure.  But she hit 38 or 39 so I, being the ultra competitive mammogramist that I am  decided to max that machine out.  I did it.  I stood there all exposed, squished to the level even an ant couldn’t squeeze between and said in a firm voice, “Take the picture, hurry up and take the stupid picture.”  And I walked away a winner – top pressure award and a clean bill of boob health for another year. 

    Be proactive, ladies!!  You are mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends to people who love you and would like to keep you around for a while.  My mom left 5 young kids – tell me how that makes any sense?  Cancer doesn’t care who you think you are – take care of yourselves.

    Deb Pieper


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    1. Trackback: Friday Fun « Our Piep Show

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